For the Valley’s sexual minorities, being different means choosing
between the open lifestyle most people take for granted — with the
added possibility of damaging discrimination — or living an invisible, often lonely, existence

by Dona Sturmanis

And then, at the end of the parade, came the “Celebrate Diversity” float (really the Celebrate Diversity pick-up truck) carrying a couple of women in saris and a few wilted children with balloons tied to their wrists. Riding up on the truck was what I at first mistook for a likeness of Ogopogo. But no, this pink monster was labeled “Homopogo.” Gay and lesbian activism had clearly arrived in Penticton despite (or perhaps because of) Stockwell Day. It wasn’t until a few days later that I learned that Penticton City Council had recently voted to change the official colour of their Ogopogo from pink to green. “Just a coincidence,” claimed the town spokesperson in the newspaper article.

So wrote Selena Liss in a 2002 blog posted on the BootsnAll Travel Network. She and her partner had seen Penticton’s annual Peachfest parade featuring then Canadian Alliance MP Stockwell Day and the usual small-town beauty queens with pink Homopogo at the end. Just passing through on a trip to Asia, the couple wasn’t able to stick around “to watch the political firestorm threatening to erupt on the opinion pages of the Okanagan dailies.”

Yes, there is a significant, if not always highly visible, gay and lesbian community in the Okanagan. And one of the currently preferred terms for the non-straight population, GLBTQ (gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender-questioning), encompasses even more. GLBTQs are everywhere — from resort-style Osoyoos to urban Kelowna to rural Lumby — working in our education system, government organizations and running the business or B&B next door.

Some would say that not much has changed from a decade ago when Kelowna’s then-mayor Walter Gray was ruled to have contravened the BC Human Rights code by refusing to proclaim Lesbian and Gay Pride Day, leaving out the crucial Pride word and proclaiming instead just Lesbian and Gay Day. Recently, students and faculty at UBC Okanagan staged their first OutWeek (joining a 27-year UBC tradition) to raise gay awareness by hosting information booths, a movie night and seminars.

Perspectives on being GLBTQ in the Valley are as varied as the individuals themselves. But the prevailing sentiment within that community seems to be that Okanagan residents are an interesting combination of conservative, homophobic, mostly Christian-following people and liberal types who are more accepting and even actively supportive of sexual diversity — often because they have experienced larger urban centres.

Expectations, attitudes and relationship status make a difference in how GLBTQs view their lives in the Valley. While many are happy to share their experiences, they mostly prefer their names and towns not be printed for the sake of anonymity. And isn’t that a telling comment?

Feels so … different?
No, we’re not Vancouver, Toronto or any other major centre where the gay community is highly visible and organized. However, if sexual minorities know what to expect ahead of time when moving to the Okanagan, have lived here before or are comfortable with the reality once they are here, the transition is not so difficult.

Tim W. migrated here with his partner from Toronto in 1997 looking for a “slower paced, outdoors-oriented life.” And that’s what he got. The couple lives in a quiet neighbourhood and has made long-time friendships, both gay and straight.

Lil, a lesbian, says, “In 30 minutes I can go up to my favourite fishing lake with my sweetie and enjoy a day or weekend being outdoors.” But Lil has never lived in a large city so she doesn’t have urban expectations.
GLBTQs who move to the Okanagan expecting the open attitude and support structure of a big city will be disappointed.

Bonnie and her partner of 29 years recently moved here from Toronto. “It was easy in TO to go to the gay village and be among gays and lesbians. We were members of Singing Out! the lesbian and gay chorus of Toronto, and it was grand to sing and be part of a cultural outreach. We miss that joyous once-a-week rehearsal. Here we don’t even know of a restaurant or bar or coffee shop where we might have opportunities to meet gay and lesbian folks. There is an absence of rainbow flags.”

Individual attitude is important as well. Some members of the community are very comfortable with their sexuality and being “out.” Bill, who came to Kelowna from Vancouver with his partner five years ago, assumed key positions in prominent gay organizations “with full knowledge my picture would be in the paper.” He says they’re both very open, members of several “straight” organizations and so far have not been exposed to homophobia.

Not everyone has such confidence, however, about being openly gay. Nice Guy says, “For me, being a gay man in the Okanagan means living a sheltered, closeted life. I am open to a very small, closely-knit circle of my most trusted friends.” B.N. concurs: “To be honest, being gay in Kelowna is a lonely existence. People are terrified of being open about their sexuality.”

Established gay couples usually have an easier time than singles because they have each other. Those looking for partners have a tough time finding them because many people are not open about their sexuality and venues and resources are limited.

“I think there is a fairly large population here of long-time partnered people who are happy and settled and just going about their daily lives minding their own business who don’t need to be visible,” says Lil. “It’s not a case of being closeted or being afraid of being out — there’s just no need. That said, I know there is still a fear held by some people that if they were to come out, they would be discriminated against.”

“Seventy per cent of the community is not out to anybody,” says Bill. “They don’t want to see their face in the paper or show up on CHBC.” He estimates that 10 to 15 per cent of the general population belongs to the GLBTQ community. That would amount to 30,000 to 45,000 people in the Okanagan Valley.

All but invisible
There are no gay clubs or gay bars in the Okanagan and not many restaurants, coffee houses or public venues willing to host GLBTQ events. “A gay or lesbian visitor to the Okanagan would have no sense of the presence of others,” says Bonnie.

Tim W. and his partner found the Okanagan gay community to be quite “spread out” and it took time to connect with others.
“It became rather evident that you couldn’t put up posters or take out big ads for events,” says Bill.

Social occasions include a number of dances in various parts of the Valley and among the bigger events are the regular dances at Vernon’s Paddle Wheel Park. As many as 300 people show up at the outdoor venue from as far south as Penticton and as far away as Kamloops and Revelstoke. Performers from Vancouver often attend.

“Straight people even come to our dances,” says Kay. “They have fun, we have fun.” There are also potlucks in peoples’ homes, barbecues, volleyball and softball tournaments. “The people who make the effort to unite the community with activities and events are to be commended for their efforts,” says Tim W. who enjoys the regular small get-togethers.

Several organizations do their part to provide social environments for the GLBTQ community to meet and network including the Gay Okanagan Network, Thompson Okanagan; South Okanagan Gay and Lesbian Association (SOGALA), Penticton; Okanagan Rainbow Coalition (ORC), Kelowna; North Okanagan Gay and Lesbian Organization (NOGLO), Vernon; and the Rainbow Womyn’s Group, Thompson Okanagan.
Without these groups, it would be harder for members of the Valley’s gay community to find each other.

“It can be difficult to know if someone is gay,” says B.L. “And then to know how comfortable that person is to be engaged in conversation with another gay, in a public or even private environment, can be a challenge.”

“People tell me they’ve spent six months, even a year and never found the gay community here. I usually ask them if they bothered to look in the Yellow Pages of the telephone book under Gay & Lesbian Organizations because there is a telephone listing there,” says Lil. “If you aren’t plugged into the groups in the Okanagan, if you don’t go to dances or other events it might be difficult to find someone to date because no, we aren’t all really visibly gay, whatever that means.”

Discrimination?
Lil says she’s come out in all of her jobs and never felt shunned for her sexuality. In one position, she acquired full medical benefits for her partner. In another, during a course she took, Lil says she was “almost scolded by her peers for not coming out sooner and for not giving them credit for being more open-minded.”

Many GLBTQs have had similar positive experiences but not gay male G.M. He says that throughout his Valley high school days, he had many things thrown at him and was called names in class including “f***** faggot.” And more than words came at him one evening when he and his then-boyfriend, were out walking in his neighbourhood, holding hands.

“We were assaulted by five men … my boyfriend wasn’t hurt much; he only had a cut lip, but for me it was different …. I had a huge black eye. After the swelling was gone, all you could see was an indent in my skull above my eyebrow … they had broken three centimetres of my skull … that one piece of bone could get lodged in my brain and do severe damage. They implanted two metal plates into my forehead as well as eight screws that will be there permanently for the rest of my life.”

G.M. is not the only person in the Okanagan who has been “gay-bashed” over the years and this kind of unacceptable behaviour will only disappear with social awareness and education.

“My overall opinion of the Valley is that yes, in general, it seems conservative but I feel it is only a vocal minority who are homophobic,” says Lil. “The majority of people, I think, are unconcerned about our community and feel it is our own business what we do. They don’t ‘see us’ and don’t know who we are because they are expecting to see a stereotyped version of gay or lesbian and don’t realize that we may be standing right beside them, we may be their neighbour, their friend, their family.”

“The more of us that walk with our heads high and live our lives openly, the sooner we will normalize having gay people living in the Okanagan,” says B.L. “And it will become a non-issue.”

But that remains to be seen for those of the Valley’s GLBTQ community who for many reasons, private and public, choose to stay hidden.

Coming Out

When B.L. of Vernon “came out” to his wife in 2003, it was the hardest thing he had ever done. He says it was terrifying as he thought he was one of only a few gay men living in the Okanagan.

“As a member of the straight community, I never saw or heard about gay people living here. I imagined I would lose everything — my wife, my kids, my family, my job, everything.”

When B.L. told his wife, they planned how they would share the news.
“I’ll never forget what my boss said to me when I told him. He looked me in the eye and told me that it was not a problem at all, and if anyone had one, he wanted to be the first to hear about it.”

Although it did take a while for co-workers to adjust, B.L. felt welcome and valued.
Kay, a lesbian in her mid-30s, has lived in a northern Okanagan town for 12 years and doesn’t mind being “right out there.” However, when she came out in her late 20s, she was “sweating bullets.” Yet Kay says she was lucky compared to other people. “Some of my friends lost their family and friends.”

NB2 is a bisexual female. She says it’s easy to be “non-straight” among her close, open-minded friends, but she edits her language when she talks to others “and particularly as a bisexual woman, I am aware of people’s misunderstanding, both gay and straight, about ‘being on the fence’ or ‘wanting it all’ when labelling myself as a bisexual.”

Local Organizations

Gay Okanagan Network, Thompson Okanagan
www.gayokanagan.net

South Okanagan Gay and Lesbian Association (SOGALA), Penticton
www.sogala.com

Okanagan Rainbow Coalition (ORC), Kelowna
860.8555

North Okanagan Gay and Lesbian Organization (NOGLO), Vernon www.noglo.com

Rainbow Womyn’s Group, Thompson Okanagan www.gayokanagan.net/rainbows.htm

Title photo by Lillie Louise Major

Learn more about sex in the Valley in the April issue of Okanagan Life - on newstands now!